Sunday, September 16, 2012

Been a bit AWOL

I never wanted my blog to become a chore, something that I had to wedge into a day already filled with chores and 'must do's' and 'should do's'.

I keep having little blog thoughts, starting to write them in my head, but not being in a position to write properly.  (Really must get a waterproof computer in the shower!)  Started a few emails on my phone, but seem to have fat fingers at the moment and writing anything longer than a quick Facebook post on the phone infuriates me. Boldly Bloody pre-hemp preemptive sext text. 

My Mum is still in hospital after her hip replacement operation and doing so well.  Its been 4 days since they operated, and she is up walking on crutches and doing stair exercises with her physio.  She is such a fit lady, puts me to shame.  But I know its driving her nuts being stuck in hospital - the tea is a grey colour and she says all she wants is a good quality basic meal with steamed veggies.  Even in a private hospital, the food is awful.

I am looking forward to her coming back here to stay for a while.  I can spoil her and cook for her and look after her how she always does for everyone else.  I will make the family traditional vegetable soup - three generations have made this same soup recipe - My Grandma, my Mum and me.  Its wholesome and thick and is a meal all on its own and when you have it you can't help but feel better.

My Dad has been given 'jobs' to do.  Anyone who is idle or says the evil words "I'm Bored" got jobs to do when I was a kid.  So far he has weeded my driveway, done shopping, dishes, helped my son put retic in.  I have other jobs for him, but between you and me - I am letting him watch hours of golf on the TV and listen to Neal Diamond on the stereo REALLY LOUD!  Shh don't tell my Mum.

Had a little meltdown on Sunday - it came out of the blue and surprised me as I thought I had a better grip on my emotions.  We got a call from the tenants of my  beloved property on the Saturday - they wanted to learn how to set up the Kreepy Krawler in the pool and for Mr K to start up the bore pump.  I tried to shove aside the anxiety at this, carry on and keep doing my thang!  Had it all suppressed but come Sunday, Mr K suggests that I come out with him and we take the Tom Dog for a run.  That's all it took. 

I felt sick, shakey, light headed.  Stomach pain, anxious and needing to move and keep busy.  I cleaned the stove so hard and fast that the once dull stainless steel now looked like polished silver!  I could not answer for a while, but I felt this awful pull in two opposing directions.  My dad was in the kitchen with me - and when I said I could not go to the property as it upset me too much - he said yes he could tell that right away - one minute you were happy and singing while you made pancakes, the next you were quiet and visibly shaken. 

That's all it takes. The anxiety genie was out of the bottle and running amok.  To outsiders it must seem very trivial and silly and immature - but this feeling of dread is real and uncontrollable.  At the moment, seeing my beautiful house and property belong to another, albeit just tenanted, while I have to wait (and wait and wait) to live there is too much to bear. Seeing my young, 22 year old, tenant with her horses and chickens, and my gardens and stables and birds .. just makes me weep. I am very happy for her, as she is doing a great job of caring for everything - but 3 years after we bought my dream (after so many setbacks and heartaches - this was to be my refuge) I still have to live in suburbia in a place that just kills my soul.  It will be at least 2 more years, maybe more before I get to be there.

OK.  I am over the pity party drama now.  I must be grateful that the tenants are doing such a great job of looking after the place (as opposed to the previous ones who trashed it).   My family are all well, Spring has sprung, the gardens are calling me to go potter, work is under control .... but words are hollow and they can't force me to feel anything other than frustration.

Thus my journey ... to contentment.

My journey's destination .. my beautiful homestead on my beautiful rural property


  1. Wow, I feel like I could have written half this post myself. I am also struggling with the lack of blog love and I too struggle with anxiety. In fact last night it came out of nowhere I just felt immense anxiety and there was no trigger for it. And finally I too loath the 'burbs. I don't yet have my dream rural property but I can see it in my head and I think of it often. Sending you some blog love xoxo

    1. Thank you for the blog love .. esp from a fellow anxiety sufferer. It's the pits isn't it? I do wonder however, if it has a lot to do with being in the wrong place and having no sense of tranquility? Modern living in suburbia is not very conducive to being relaxed!
      Keep your dream alive, as I will keep mine.
      Blog hugs back at cha! xx