Had a few down days and its becoming clearer how and why this happens. I am now sure how it all manifests - anxiety (for any reason, or even sometimes no reason at all) sets off a chemical flooding in my body which amplifies the anxiety as it lends a physical reaction as well as a mental one to whatever stressor has started it all. This feeling, the mental and physical, make me crave carbs and sugar - and tea! Its the classic Fight or Flight response - except my brain thinks missing the rubbish collection is as scary as being eaten by a wolf!
This is what happened, starting ...
... Sunday morning
Woke up with a jump and a panic that it was actually Monday and we hadn't put the bins out. I had one arm in my dressing gown and half a foot in my slipper, before sanity returned (briefly) and it dawned on me that it was in fact Sunday morning - 7am Sunday Morning to be precise - and I had plans to sleep in and have an slow start to the day. Pfft. So much for that! Not worth going back to bed, and with adrenalin already having a party inside me, I figured I would get a coffee and a blanket and go and watch my shows on TV. (or as Mr K calls it - cooking porn!)
You would think at this point that the drama was over, and I did try and suppress the overriding feeling of doom and anxiety, but its not that simple. Once the adrenalin monster is released, there will be no peace until he goes back into his cave - which is whenever he damn well feels like it. There will be no pushing him, cajoling him or forcing him.
House cleaning! That's what I needed - looking at a sparkling house always makes me feel good. While Mr K went off to be a dutiful Dad (and therefore secure an awesome present next weekend on Dads Day) to help Son#1 build some steps in his backyard, I prepared to burn off the anxiety.
It took so long to get started, the aftermath of a panic and the anxiety makes me very, very tired and very lethargic and with 0% motivation to do anything but sleep or lay down. This is why the people, who mean so well when they say to go do some exercise when you are anxious, get it so wrong. It takes a mammoth amount of effort to even put your Bonds sports socks on, let alone make it out the door for a walk. You have to fight your mind that has given up and your body that is exhausted.
I pushed the vacuum cleaner around, it felt like it was made of lead. I half- heartedly dusted, doing a half-arsed job that annoyed the crap out of me, but I didn't care! That's the quandary. You know you have to do a job but you really don't care. Its kind of like being in a surly teenagers body and mind for a while. I normally at this point give up, so I did a little deal with myself. I sat and watched some Lifestyle shows, they always inspire me, and during the adverts I would get up and do cleaning until the show was back on.
It worked, as I got more inspired as the day went on, and got the rest that I so badly needed. Cooking always cheers me up, so I made some of my Health Freak Muffins and took a batch up to Son#1 for afternoon tea. The boys had done a great job .. here is what their days work got them :
Monday was a mauve day (opposed to a black day which is just being a drama queen and a grey day that has a whole new meaning since Fifty Shades of Grey) I also had a mild cold (feel my forehead, do I have a temperature? Do I? ) so spent the day on the lounge in front of endless cooking shows. I think they call that 'taking a sickie' but as I am self-employed I am not sure what it is called?
Tuesday was no better, although I did make it to work and did get most of what I needed to get done. The anxiety was still partying hard inside me, that delightful feeling of dread and doom ever present. I tried to just ignore it, go with the flow as they say. Gave in around 10-30pm and took half a Xanax so that it would stop for a while - which it did as Xanax always makes me sleep like the dead.
So today - woke - that's always a good start to the day - layed in bed for a minute, waiting for the doom cloud, and nope ... nothing there. Checked emails - no bad news, checked the bank account - clients had paid, so I could pay suppliers - that's a good day.
Had energy, got chores done, a spring in my step, a bit of a song (bet you are glad you missed that!) at my desk by 9am. Yep a better day. Until ...
... a crappy client is being crappy and now refusing to pay a bill he agreed to pay. Makes me cross and stressed and here comes the adrenalin monster again. That's all it takes to set him off. Its not so bad now, but its there.
I am trying hard to understand this, to make some sense of it all, so that I can find some ways to stop this or at the very least, minimise its effects. The really silly thing, is that logic plays no part in this. I know and firmly believe, that missing the rubbish truck is no big deal, who cares, it will come again next week. So why on earth does my body react independent to my brain? I know this client is a tosser and honestly for the money we are talking, I don't care. But my body does.
Its like a betrayal.
I would love to find out the reasons this happens. It's obvious that something is amiss with the releasing of adrenalin in my body, too much, too soon and stays around more than is normal. I am yet to find any doctor or specialist to help - they all seem to just prescribe drugs or therapy. Both I have done and still to date, no difference. I know this is a heredity thing as my Mum gets it and so does my son#2. I have tried running, yoga, meditation .. you name it. Nothing stops this other than sleep.
So, if you ever wonder why sometimes I need to be very still and quiet and be alone - then this is why.